Sloppy Kisses

Changes

Hang onto your keyboard the "new" chelsey paul is coming soon I mean that in the technological and physical sense. My new website for my photography and new blog outlay will be completed soon... maybe even as soon as tomorrow? This all depends on my children's ability to nap and whether or not I decide to go and protest tomorrow at the RNC. But never mind my political standing, I am still a great photographer ;)

Also if you had photos taken recently and haven't received your disk, have no fear it's coming this week.

Eeek! I am so excited to launch this next chapter in my life/career and see where it goes.

See you soon!

Twitter

Follow me on Twitter... it's a highly addictive...there you've been warned. Since I have been poor at updating here you can catch me in daily action there!

Funky Feeling

This is about to be a pity party.... okay you've been warned.

I have been in a funky sort of mood all week. Wanting to be snuggled or just caressed and taken away for a weekend of non-kid related things. I want to shop with no stroller or diaper bag, come to think of it I haven't had or used a purse for over a year...must add to birthday list. Which is another thing, 24 on the 9th of September and already starting to feel old. I know, I know but that's what my life does to me. I want to be more creative really dip into my abilities... it's just the lack of time and personal space that hinder that. I used to paint, key words: used to. The last time I lifted a brush to paint with oil or watercolors was pre-Riah almost three years ago. I never buy art because I have ideas of my own that I want to express on canvas or huge hunk of wood. I need to regain myself this year, regain my passions outside of the home while still maintaining the home will be the ultimate task. I don't want to distance myself...just find my new self and make it work. What I really want is a weekend away, by myself ... perhaps up north in a tiny cabin with an easel, paints, a camera, and coffee all accompanied by a good book, slow jazz saxophone CD and the sound of waves crashing against the rocks.

I need to refuel.

Self Pity

First off Thaddaeus is fine, more than fine...great! He's a blessing that I could have never imagined in having a boy.  He's vivacious, strong and so happy.

I sit here looking at his photos from birth to now and I still cannot believe all that he has gone through already in his five months of life. I sit here crying, but why? Mostly for him. The fact that I am once again preparing for his surgery (two months away), setting dates and appointments. I feel so happy and blessed to be his Mother but yet I ache for his struggles, his differences.

I am sick of people saying, "wow it's amazing what they can do!"
Why couldn't you've said, "wow what a beautiful little boy!" when he was born?
Or when people point out that his face looks so wonderful... it makes me ache. I know it looks great, but I loved my son the way he was, I want him to be cherished at all times not just when he looks "socially acceptable."

I am afraid that we aren't doing enough. I read other cleft blogs and I wonder if we should have some of things they are using for their children to better the scarring and healing process? When I accidentally spilled his "scar guard" and brought him in for more two weeks later, the surgeon said "Well I think we can just end it, it looks good."

"Wait! Didn't you say use for three months?" I didn't really get a response, but more like a runaround answer.

When I called last week to find out what our next steps are they said palette surgery anytime from September -December. Okay... should we come in? "Yes, about week before surgery."

I want to know if we should start solids (we kind of had) and whether or not his scare looks normal... I think it looks big and red...like a solid stripe from his nose to his lip... is that what it will look like? Why wasn't two little lines made? Is his nostril suppose to look that closed compared to his natural formed one?

I know what I need to do and it's go in and demand answers. I hate when they say..."Oh he'll most likely go home that afternoon after surgery!"

Kiss off he spent two days last time and there is no way I am taking a baby home right after surgery so I can play nurse and pretend to know what I am looking for or at, he'll stay until he can respond and eat... thank you very much.

Ugh this post turned from somber and pitiful to downright mad and disgruntle. No, my blog isn't on it's rag it just has an emotional author that is having a hard time really grasping onto the life that has been given to me.

Not for all to see

For those interested I have started a private blog containing private things (go figure). To be included you will have to email me at chelseypaultebbs@gmail.com and then I will decide if now is a good time for you to be there, some I will decline for my own reasons. Once you email  me I will send you the link and password.

Sex and the City

LOVED IT! I saw the 12:01 showing... that's all I'll say.

What I do miss more than anything is being able to have friends. I have one or two good friends that I can call but the drive sucks. I need to find myself in Minneapolis and meet women that I can spend an evening with over laughs and drinks. I am 23 and feel 53. I shouldn't feel this burnt out and lonely at this age... should I? I need to work on me and making me happy something I haven't pursued since my first pregnancy. I have let myself go physically and emotionally. I need a change, I want to feel happier and have a balance between me, the kids, Prince and life.

I need a maid.

I also need a babysitter so Prince and I can date once or twice a month, but with Thad's 'special' bottles I have a hard time trusting people. Saturday was the first time my Mom had even fed him and she acknowledged how struggling it can be. He has a rhythm, a finicky eater that easily becomes discouraged and freaks out and for the first time I will admit that he's colicky. I don't know why it's so hard for me to acknowledge that. I have blamed his excessive crying and particular ways on constipation (which is getting better) and just having surgery. Since those are both almost in the clear I have to just admit that he's more difficult than Riah. It just sucks to say because when people ask how the baby is I just want to say wonderful, he's a delight to be around. Truthfully most of the day sucks, but he is getting better. He knows when I am not holding him and will freak out even on Prince... I get nothing done.

Devestated

It started with a loud grinding sound then it sputtered around and in an instant went blank.

I am talking about my laptop.

After a long trip to the Genius Bar at Apple the confirmation was in: my hard drive is dead and nothing can be retrieved. No files, no homework, no advertising portfolio pieces for school and yes, no pictures.

I sobbed and lost it. I had about half of my photos backed up and had meant to purchase an external hard drive but until recently we never had the extra funds for the expense. I kick myself. I kick my old laptop. Why fail me now? Why when we were a month out from buying a new computer fail me and not only fail me but kick me down and trash all my photos memories?

They gave me a card for a data recovery company that might be able to retrieve everything or somethings... they start at $1000.00. So yeah...

I am trying to keep a positive outlook since I emailed so many photos to family and friends and I made tons of albums on facebook and flickr. I am slowly recovering them through there.

Amidst the chaos there is slight joy in the fact that we got our new system today. One that has mega powers and capabilities so that I can now render, create and store files all with out having to be in a school computer lab. Our dinosaur that went extinct with all our files was only good for basic internet and... well basic internet.

Oh we bought an external hard drive that holds up to 385,000 photos as well.

Moral of todays blog : back your shit up.

Preparing

This weekend is jam packed and for good reason. Thad's surgery is Tuesday and I am an emotional basket case. Saying "Children's Hospital" makes me weep...see there I go again. I keep thinking how unfair it is that he has to endure this shit. Was it something I did during the pregnancy? I know deep down its not but I cannot help but feel guilty.

My biggest fear is that he is "going under" and there's always that "what if" that lingers with going under. They will probably admit me on Tuesday while he's in surgery. I'll be the one curled up bawling or biting my nails to bare existence. Prince will be there and we do get to spend the night. Yes, having Thad spend the night was an ordeal. They wanted to send him home that afternoon, I calmly explained that the chance of him being back in two hours after were 99.9% for his mother is anxious and crazy and will freak out at any uncertainty.

I have been baking like crazy to relieve stress and surprisingly not eating any of it. Tomorrow is my cousins wedding shower and I baked a triple layer lemon cake inscribed with their initials. We also have a play date tomorrow a.m. and I am sure Riah will have a blast with Jack. Sunday is Thad's baptism and I cannot say that I am really looking forward to it. I am but I am not. See the church Prince and I now attend is awesome its Evangelical and exactly what we need each week... plus Riah loves Sunday school and the community is beyond wonderful. I am nervous not for the sacrament of baptism but for my relatives that will be attending. Our church is loud, to the point and its not uncommon to have people shout "Amen" or "Preach!" See my family is Catholic and even if your not Catholic our church takes most off guard, in a good way. I guess I worry too much and I shouldn't care what they think I just hate that blank look of disapproval.

I just took a Zoloft, tomorrows post should be much improved!

Reminding myself

Rush of emotions seem to creep up during and after pregnancy, so bare with me.

Lately with the loss of income to the household, I find myself really thinking of where we'll be in the future and all the steps along the way. I really yearn for a home of my own, a place my children will build memories.

What I have to keep reminding myself on a daily basis is that things, for the most part, are not handed to people (usually) I must work for them and build up to them. I also have to keep reminding myself that we are young parents, we didn't intentionally become pregnant the first time around and have our home with the white picket fence, hell we weren't even sure at that point if we liked each other beyond the great sex and companionship.... we didn't know if it would be forever.

But it did, we learned to fight fair and co-exisit and grow together. We have been providing the best we can with what we have. When your little and dreaming of how things will be when your older you never plan to have it turn out this way, I guess now all we can do is make sure our children turn out better.

When Prince brings up that fact I am thinking to myself, "Yes, it has been this was but it won't be forever. We can make a new path and be better for our children." Instead of just "accepting" life the way it is now.

Life isn't horrible, it's just hard. Yes, there's a difference.

Most of all I must keep reminding myself, I am only 23. I was pregnant with my first child at 20, I am doing and being the best mother/wife/student/photographer/person I can be.

I am only 23. I must believe that our future is brighter and things, like a home, are yet to come.

Snoop

I am an internet snooper at the moment with an occasional comment. I am really pleased at the amount of people that I am friends with have blogs, because it really gives me a chance to "catch up" with out giving out too much of myself.

Which... I realize is a horrible thing to say but honestly if you happen to read this... I am secretly conserving energy. Lame excuse but it's true. When Riah was born, or I should say when we got to bring her home, it was just her and I. We lounged, slept, ate and pooped, not necessarily in that order, but you get my drift. Yes, your first child is hard but really it's not that hard at all.

Now throw a toddler and a newborn in the same bowl and mix well and you get one mother whom is a pile of mush. I honestly don't know what I am running on right now, but it's not healthy or encouraged. Prince has been awesome about doing "shifts" with me, but sleeping for three hours and then waking just plain sucks. I guess we were lucky with Riah, when she finally was allowed to go home from NICU she was sleeping from 12 am. to 7 a.m. and we were well rested. This little man has us feeding every 2.5-3 hours and is shifty about where he'll sleep and how.

Okay so back to why I snoop.

So keep updating your blogs and I'll secretly pretend that I am talking to you on the phone, but more in the sense where my phone is on mute and your not really sure if I am listening. I am. Eventually.

Soon he'll be older and days won't be as muddy and I'll start returning phone calls or even calling period, other than needing help.

I promise.

p.s. this also includes emails... just thought I would throw in that disclaimer as well.