Sloppy Kisses

Reminding myself

Rush of emotions seem to creep up during and after pregnancy, so bare with me.

Lately with the loss of income to the household, I find myself really thinking of where we'll be in the future and all the steps along the way. I really yearn for a home of my own, a place my children will build memories.

What I have to keep reminding myself on a daily basis is that things, for the most part, are not handed to people (usually) I must work for them and build up to them. I also have to keep reminding myself that we are young parents, we didn't intentionally become pregnant the first time around and have our home with the white picket fence, hell we weren't even sure at that point if we liked each other beyond the great sex and companionship.... we didn't know if it would be forever.

But it did, we learned to fight fair and co-exisit and grow together. We have been providing the best we can with what we have. When your little and dreaming of how things will be when your older you never plan to have it turn out this way, I guess now all we can do is make sure our children turn out better.

When Prince brings up that fact I am thinking to myself, "Yes, it has been this was but it won't be forever. We can make a new path and be better for our children." Instead of just "accepting" life the way it is now.

Life isn't horrible, it's just hard. Yes, there's a difference.

Most of all I must keep reminding myself, I am only 23. I was pregnant with my first child at 20, I am doing and being the best mother/wife/student/photographer/person I can be.

I am only 23. I must believe that our future is brighter and things, like a home, are yet to come.

Surgery

Surgery has been set for the end of April. Thad will be just two months old and I am not ready for this. I knew the day was coming, but so soon? I guess it's for the best, the younger the less chance of having him bump his lip or remove a stitch.

You'd think that all we went through with Riah as a preemie we'd be ready for this, I am not. If anything I find myself being overprotective and not even wanting to take him in for shots. I just don't want him to feel pain. Prince will have to be the one in the room with him while they start an IV and put him under. You'll be able to find me outside the door or in the ladies room bawling, in the fetal position while clutching a rosary.

Thank God Prince is the strong one. Thaddaeus is just such a sweet little boy this stuff just seems so unfair, no matter how "fixable" it is.

Easter Weekend

Hippity Hoppity

We "survived" our first weekend away. However, once we reached our destination (my parent's home) we really didn't want to leave to go visiting. It was nice to have people come to my parents home rather than us chase around, packing just for an hour seems to take me two hours...hmmm. Here are a few Easter favorites... I will post more pictures soon.

Snoop

I am an internet snooper at the moment with an occasional comment. I am really pleased at the amount of people that I am friends with have blogs, because it really gives me a chance to "catch up" with out giving out too much of myself.

Which... I realize is a horrible thing to say but honestly if you happen to read this... I am secretly conserving energy. Lame excuse but it's true. When Riah was born, or I should say when we got to bring her home, it was just her and I. We lounged, slept, ate and pooped, not necessarily in that order, but you get my drift. Yes, your first child is hard but really it's not that hard at all.

Now throw a toddler and a newborn in the same bowl and mix well and you get one mother whom is a pile of mush. I honestly don't know what I am running on right now, but it's not healthy or encouraged. Prince has been awesome about doing "shifts" with me, but sleeping for three hours and then waking just plain sucks. I guess we were lucky with Riah, when she finally was allowed to go home from NICU she was sleeping from 12 am. to 7 a.m. and we were well rested. This little man has us feeding every 2.5-3 hours and is shifty about where he'll sleep and how.

Okay so back to why I snoop.

So keep updating your blogs and I'll secretly pretend that I am talking to you on the phone, but more in the sense where my phone is on mute and your not really sure if I am listening. I am. Eventually.

Soon he'll be older and days won't be as muddy and I'll start returning phone calls or even calling period, other than needing help.

I promise.

p.s. this also includes emails... just thought I would throw in that disclaimer as well.

On the upside...

I made it! I made it though the past few days alone with the two babies while Prince does some freelance work. It kind of caught us off guard that they would need his help so I really wasn't given time to register the fact that I would be alone with them. Tuesday was daunting, the weather was nice... the toddler was bouncing off the walls and could have played outside all day. Today we had ECFE from 9:30-11:30 and Riah loved being busy and at "school." I kind of dreaded our first alone outing but we survived and it actually went smoother than anticipated... apparently I over analyze these situations too much... thank you Dr. Prince.

It seems as though we have finally started to fall into a semi-routine of feedings and life. Some how, though sleep never quite falls into that routine very well. On Friday Thaddaeus will be two weeks old... crazy! My IV and epidural bruises are starting to fade, the belly is shrinking and the boobs are growing... so I guess all is well.

Next week we make our first family trip to my old hometown, thankfully I will not be playing basketball in the alumni tournament, I keep telling myself it's because I was pregnant no one asked me to be part of a team but something tells me my less than Jordan skills could be the culprate. It will be nice to see the little town again and embrace a place that is so cozy to pull up to and so sweet to leave... interesting how that works.

Here are some pictures of my babes these past two weeks:

Monkey See...

monkey do.

akdifj ! dkf @ dlfjoiein v !!!

The title screams what I have felt all day, disorder!

I hate it, but it seems to be the theme for the moment. I am trying to keep it together but find myself really overwhelmed with two children under two.... wait I was a nanny for two years in the same situation but this time around it hasn't been as easy.

It's fine if we're at home, although I have been feeling intense guilt for Riah not having outings or as much stimulation, I feel horrid that she has been watching this much public television for kids. She's been watching so much she knows the names of all the characters, Max and Emmy, Elmo, Cookie and Big Bird even Caillou!

This post even seems unorganized...egh!
Today Thad had a visit with the surgeon we are pretty confident will be doing his surgeries. 1:30 we had to be there, 11:00 we started preparing for the exit of all the household members minus the cat. 1:45 we arrived. Sounds simple... but the whole process was so exhausting that I cried the whole way to the clinic and am even tearing up as I type.

Riah was fine, Thaddaeus was fine, Prince was more than helpful. I just couldn't get a grip on myself and my head was doing a hundred things and forgetting other crucial things like an extra outfit incase he piddled on his current (thank God he didn't.)

I need to somehow wrap my head around taking them out together without Prince because soon that day will come, especially with his appointments. I don't think I would be as stressed out I wasn't pumping milk every three hours. He eats every three as well and we are somewhat insync with that process but not always. So I am trying to schedule things in one to one and half hour time periods so that all is well. I just wish that he could latch on and drink from my breast but it's not going to happen. I want to keep going with the breast milk because I know it's good for him, especially with all the surgeries. Most of his surgeries allow him to consume breast milk almost right up until the beginning of the surgery, with formula he would have to not eat six hours prior... yeah and that would pretty much be torture for an infant.

My lactation consultants say that it's good that I am pumping but most say it will take dedication to keep it going with a baby whom is only bottle fed.

I cannot imagine what the next few months will be like... we have music classes, ECFE and doctors visits... Part of me is wishing Prince could just stay home, but he cannot. This time he has now is God sent even though its very rough... wait have even mentioned here that he was fired last Wednesday? Nope I don't think so, but that's were we are at... don't even get me started on why he was fired, because the company didn't even have a reason, seriously.

Ugh, enough of this post that is going no where hopefully I will have more chipper things to type later... hopefully by then you all won't have petitioned me off the internet!

Ps. Holy Shit my boobs are huge... yes bigger than normal if dreamed possible... and for those of you whom knew me in high school (pre-reduction) no not that big.

Itty Bitty

I am so in love! I nuzzle into his sweet downy hair and smile, he smells so sweet and makes these adorable little raptor sounds when he looks at me. He's boy in every way from his furry little back to his little man facial features.... *sigh*.

Naturally I have taken about 700, 000 photos of him and Riah... okay maybe that number is slightly off, more like 698,000.

Here are few of my favorites of Thaddaeus! (It's still weird saying his name, I cannot believe he's here!)

The Big Debut